Self-service stress at Dr Seuss’ service desk

Getting your customers to use your self-service features is never easy. Sometimes even harder than getting people to try green eggs and ham.

*trrrrring*
Hi there, I am Sam, Sam-I-am
How may I be of service, mam?

Oh Sam, my print job’s stuck in queue
and now I don’t know what to do.
Can you put me through to Paul?
He always helps me when I call.

Well sorry miss, since recently,
self-service first’s our policy.
So would you log a call for me?

I would not like to log a call,
I would not like that, not at all.
I just want to speak to Paul.

Would you then fill out a form?
You should, conforming to our latest norm.

I do not want to use a form,
whether or not it is your norm.
I do not want to log a call,
I only want to speak to Paul.

Would you chat with our new bot?
Your colleagues use that bot a lot.

I would not chat with your new bot
and your new form, I will use not.
I would not like to log a call.
Can’t you put me through to Paul?

Would you? Could you? Ask a peer?
You have some pretty clever peers out here.

Let me make it very clear:
I would not, could not ask a peer.
I would not chat with your new bot.
And your new form, I will use not.
I would not like to log a call.
Why can’t I just talk to Paul?

Would you? Could you? Ask our cat?

No Sam-I-Am, I don’t want that!

What if our cat would wear a hat?

I will not chat with your hatted cat!
I would not, could not ask a peer.
I would not chat with your new bot.
And your new form, I will use not.
I would not like to log a call.
Can I please, please talk to Paul?

Would you search our knowledge base?

I don’t know where to find that place!

Would you read our FAQs?
Would you read our new how-to’s?

I do not want your FAQs!
I would not use your new how-tos!
I would much rather eat my shoes!
I would not ask a peer or bot!
And your new form, I will use not!
I would not like to log a call!
CAN’T YOU JUST PUT ME THROUGH TO PAUL?

Oh sorry! I forgot to say:
Paul is on a holiday.
You do not like our FAQs, you say.
But try them, and perhaps you may!
Try them and you may, I say!

Sam!
If you will let me be,
I will try them.
You will see.

(… And she tries them …)

Say!
I followed the steps in your how-to
and now my print job has gone through!
Now I do, I do like your FAQs!
I like your practical how-to’s!
Next time I will ask a peer,
one of the many clever peers in here!
I might even ask your chatty bot
and your new form, I’ll use a lot!
I will no longer call and ask for Paul,
From now on I will log a call!